Nervous

You now sometimes it really amazes me the extent to which I cannot stop thinking about you. I'm coming home this weekend, and the last conversation we had was the beginning of yet another hiatus to our speaking to each other. I'm really lonely Bird... I realize that I have been out here for damn near 5 years and I don't have a life that sustains my happiness. Though I drift in and out of it, its getting harder and harder to ignore that I need more love around me. I have been taking the time to get to know myself and though its a really hard action for me to take sometimes when I do, it really makes me feel good. I realize that I usually shy away from taking time for me. I find someone... anyone to stroke my ego when I feel alone. I'm trying to give to myself the feeling that being alone doesn't have to equal being lonely. My loneliness is directly related to extent to which I keep good people in my life and accessible. I always feel myself unworthy. I also judge my worth by what I THINK others think of me. The thing is that I don't really know myself that well. In any event, I'm coming home to get Kayla this weekend to bring her back to NYC for a few days. I know that I won't be reaching out to you while I'm there so I thought I'd talk to you on here. Just feeling like I can at least speak my mind in some space that you might stumble across is a bit more comforting than the thoughts I've been having lately. But those things are projections. They guide my behavior solely based on fear which is the part of my life that I need to move past. I tell myself how things will turn out and I get scared of the outcome when I only made it up. It could just as easily be something else, but I make it something that will scare me into submission. Non-action. Stagnation. I am beginning to believe that all things are one thing, and this life and its destiny (which includes mine and yours) are all written with the same hand. Of course we have free will, but the projections aren't necessary. To feel and act with the knowledge that what I need to know will be made available to me is my only obligation. Still nervous. I want to keep writing until that knot in my stomach goes away. Way back when I left for New York, I began to practice that idea. That the now is where my focus needs to be and any anxiety i feel is just my imagination. An exercise in futility. It is my mind being somewhere that isn't right here right now. Right now I am at work writing you a blog post in some attempt to be closer to you because my heart won't heal its feeling that I've somehow failed you. Which translates somehow into me failing myself. And I don't know about you, but to feel like a failure is a really painful thing. I keep wanting it to stop. For everything to just go back the way it was. Its like I sometimes emerge from my little life bubble to see about folks and feel like things should not have changed after all the time that has passed. But its still passing, and I'm still in my bubble. I think its time to get to the next experience. My failure in life is not accepting when things are over and a transition is upon me. I eventually get to it but most times its so disruptive and drastic... but I guess that's revolution. Its not designed to be smooth. Its destructive. Never be scared at any point in time to sacrifice who you are for who you could be. - I started therapy. The therapist is a black guy named Steve. Been in the business for 20 years. Just going to him started to give me hope for the future. I need that space to get these things out of me. I plague myself with the silence that I keep. And its nobody else's fault that I'm not voicing my concerns than my own. I've been too quiet for too long. I want my life to be a neat little package where everyone is free and noone gets hurt, but its not coming when I lie or just shut up. Gotta get this stuff out of me. So that I can move on. It won't work any other way. While stifle oneself for the benefit of another when you both need to speak up? The knot is gone now... Thanks Bird. Carl