I took seven years...

Remember the story I told you about Laura? You probably don't remember her name, but it was the girl that I might have gotten pregnant. The single question mark about my past that I had lingering in my head. Well, I spoke to her today. Crazy right? I knew her brother Brian lived in NY because I had seen him randomly on the train and we exchanged numbers. One day I made the decision to get her number from him. So I invited him out to get drinks at a local bar in Ft. Greene. Brian's a real cool dude by the way. But on to the answer to the million-dollar question...

I don't have a child.

Wow. I'm not sure if I can fully explain the way that I feel right now. Its weird sometimes when you achieve something that you thought about. Shit its weird most times. Often because its never the way you picture it. But sometimes the surprise stems from knowing that you were the only real obstacle to the achievement. The reality is that I was scared to know. In the beginning of our conversation, Laura was expounding on the number of places she moved between Pittsburgh and Virginia where she now lives. "I moved to _________ for 1.5 years, and __________ for 2 years..." After a while I asked "Wait... how long has it been since CMU?!"

"7 years..."

And I thought to myself "You would have a seven year old child right now." or even crazier still, "it took you 7 years to take responsibility for your life."

Not even...

"I took you seven years to satisfy your curiosity. "

Fear is an extreme and dangerous thing.

What's Going On?

I don't want to use this venue simply to apologize my life away. Other things are going on in my life that I want to share. When we speak, you never ask me straight out how I'm doing. You make a definitive statement about it like "You must be having fun out there" and wait to see if my response agrees or not. I know what you are trying to do, yet my response is always the same. To play down my experiences in order to make you feel better. And on some levels it is true, that this trip is not the most fun thing I have ever done. But I do appreciate where I am physically, mentally and spiritually. And NOTHING is 100 percent one way or another.

Transitioning a bit into another subject... I like having this blog to write to you when I don't have you around to talk to me. There is a kinship that we share that I really can't find with another person. Or haven't found. Its kinda crazy the way I feel like we were destined to be. I remember when Cecy had returned from Spain after that year abroad. She had given me a journal she kept for the entire time she was there. Had to be more than 200 pages of entries all directed to me. I must admit that to this day I have never read the entire thing. It was so massive. I almost felt as if I didn't deserve to have someone hand me such a large chunk of their life in a succinct package like that. That and and the fact that it wasn't all that interesting to me at the time. Don't get me wrong, there were some shining moments, but generally, this is a 16 year old girl, madly in love for the first time, and missing her boyfriend. So there is a lot of "I MISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YOUUUUUUUUUUU!" going on in there. I skipped a few pages, what I can I say?

My point was that I never realized how connected I feel to you to be able to talk to you even though you aren't listening. In this fashion you realize how therapeutic and selfish communication can be. It all boils down to my feeling like you are the only person I can talk to about MOST things. All of the lovey-dovey stuff that is attached is the other facet of our relationship which is no less vital, but you are my best friend. Why wouldn't I want to write to you. It doesn't even matter if you hear it.

Damn, remember the "Coke-Machine Rhapsody". You know you were never supposed to read that...