I took seven years...

Remember the story I told you about Laura? You probably don't remember her name, but it was the girl that I might have gotten pregnant. The single question mark about my past that I had lingering in my head. Well, I spoke to her today. Crazy right? I knew her brother Brian lived in NY because I had seen him randomly on the train and we exchanged numbers. One day I made the decision to get her number from him. So I invited him out to get drinks at a local bar in Ft. Greene. Brian's a real cool dude by the way. But on to the answer to the million-dollar question...

I don't have a child.

Wow. I'm not sure if I can fully explain the way that I feel right now. Its weird sometimes when you achieve something that you thought about. Shit its weird most times. Often because its never the way you picture it. But sometimes the surprise stems from knowing that you were the only real obstacle to the achievement. The reality is that I was scared to know. In the beginning of our conversation, Laura was expounding on the number of places she moved between Pittsburgh and Virginia where she now lives. "I moved to _________ for 1.5 years, and __________ for 2 years..." After a while I asked "Wait... how long has it been since CMU?!"

"7 years..."

And I thought to myself "You would have a seven year old child right now." or even crazier still, "it took you 7 years to take responsibility for your life."

Not even...

"I took you seven years to satisfy your curiosity. "

Fear is an extreme and dangerous thing.

What's Going On?

I don't want to use this venue simply to apologize my life away. Other things are going on in my life that I want to share. When we speak, you never ask me straight out how I'm doing. You make a definitive statement about it like "You must be having fun out there" and wait to see if my response agrees or not. I know what you are trying to do, yet my response is always the same. To play down my experiences in order to make you feel better. And on some levels it is true, that this trip is not the most fun thing I have ever done. But I do appreciate where I am physically, mentally and spiritually. And NOTHING is 100 percent one way or another.

Transitioning a bit into another subject... I like having this blog to write to you when I don't have you around to talk to me. There is a kinship that we share that I really can't find with another person. Or haven't found. Its kinda crazy the way I feel like we were destined to be. I remember when Cecy had returned from Spain after that year abroad. She had given me a journal she kept for the entire time she was there. Had to be more than 200 pages of entries all directed to me. I must admit that to this day I have never read the entire thing. It was so massive. I almost felt as if I didn't deserve to have someone hand me such a large chunk of their life in a succinct package like that. That and and the fact that it wasn't all that interesting to me at the time. Don't get me wrong, there were some shining moments, but generally, this is a 16 year old girl, madly in love for the first time, and missing her boyfriend. So there is a lot of "I MISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YOUUUUUUUUUUU!" going on in there. I skipped a few pages, what I can I say?

My point was that I never realized how connected I feel to you to be able to talk to you even though you aren't listening. In this fashion you realize how therapeutic and selfish communication can be. It all boils down to my feeling like you are the only person I can talk to about MOST things. All of the lovey-dovey stuff that is attached is the other facet of our relationship which is no less vital, but you are my best friend. Why wouldn't I want to write to you. It doesn't even matter if you hear it.

Damn, remember the "Coke-Machine Rhapsody". You know you were never supposed to read that...

I Took you for Granted

When my Grandmother died, I was 11. And I was distraught. I cried daily and displayed behavior that really concerned everyone in my life. I remember my mother trying every trick in the book. She gave me a candle to burn for her, discussed prayers and various ways of viewing death. I think a large contribution to her ineffectiveness was the fact that I never really discussed how I felt with anyone. And that included her. She was just grasping at straws. One day we got into a discussion and I told her the moments I kept playing back in my head: The moment when I came home to find that grandma wasn't there and mama told me she was dead, and the sight of grandma in that coffin. When she heard that she smiled.

"Oh... you keep replaying the end, baby. Stop thinking about the sad stuff. You knew grandma your entire life and all you can see is her leaving. Just think about a time she made you laugh. There were far more good times in your relationship with her than bad. Focus on the good."

After about a week of practicing this advice, I didn't feel so bad anymore. Its impossible to hold both a good and bad thought in your head at the same time.

I wish that for you. That you didn't continue to replay the bad times in our relationship continuously and upset yourself so. I feel as if we are in a place now where I can't win for losing. Everything I do will be held against me. And at this point you begin to make up things about me to justify why I would have hurt you so.

Let me stop psychoanalyzing you. The point of this post is to express how deeply sorry I am that I took your love for granted. Nowadays, I attempt to contact you with nothing but the greatest of intentions and you immediately respond with hostility. Its to the point that I am scared to death to reach out and contact you, not knowing what the result of my efforts will be. The truth is, I am really uncomfortable with the person you have become. And that is because I don't think you love me anymore. I've never met this India. And I'm scared to get to know her. I took for granted that our love was one that would endure... to be honest I still believe that. But I can't approach this India in the same fashion as the last one.

I took you for granted. A lesson that I will take to my grave. I'm sorry for that.

The Travel Prayer

Today, I left New York to come to Winston-Salem North Carolina. I was thinking about you non-stop. I texted you to share the traveler’s prayer and hopefully alleviate some tensions between us. A little more than a week ago (by now I guess two weeks) I had called two times in a row asking for your work address. I had this thought in my head of sending you a bouquet of flowers. Valentine’s Day was rapidly approaching and I didn’t want you to be left out… in fact I wanted you to be able to show off at work specifically. Now I have a habit of leaping before I look. And in this case (as in most) it turns out to have disastrous consequences. In this case, it prompted you to call me and make a decision that you no longer want to talk to me. As you communicated it to me, the entire ordeal was childish. “I work for the Chicago Transit Authority… FUCKING LOOK IT UP!”

In retrospect you were right. I realize now that it was pointless to have called in the first place because not only could I have looked it up but Valentine’s Day was actually on a Saturday. Had I thought about this thoroughly before hand, I probably would not have called. And maybe more than anything, that’s what you were upset about; the lack of thought that I put into my actions when it comes to you, especially given the circumstance that we are in. I have a lot to prove to you. So any blunder, no matter how small is merely foundation for whatever it is that you are currently thinking about my character. I’m not going to get into what you think because to be honest, I’m not exactly sure. The point is that night you decided that you were finished.

So on to today’s conversation. It had been plaguing me that I just let you assume that I was making a childish attempt to call so that I could get in good with you. I wanted you to know that I had the best of intentions. Your response was
“Stop it. If you wanted to send me flowers you would have done it. I’m not hard to find. You didn’t need anything from me.”

To tell you the honest truth, it really hurt. I guess the road to hell is paved with my “good intentions”. That just aint good enough. I hope one day you can relieve yourself and that hatred in your heart you have for me. One day…

May God watch between me and thee, while we're absent, one from the other.

Amen

A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with One Step

I can't believe that I created this. What's more is that I can't believe that I'm actually writing here. The truth of the matter is that I don't feel like its appropriate for me to talk to you right now for a number of reasons. At the top of that list is the fact that I'm not ready to. What you deserve is respect. And when I left initially, I thought that I was going to return with some. The longer I stay our here... Miles away from you, I realize what you could tell over time. That I'm not actually making any efforts to "get right". From an outsider's perspective it seems as if I just chose another life. And until today that outsider would have been considered endowed with 20/20 vision. The fact is, I DO have the power to change this. My adjustment to change was to feel so resistant to it so as to ignore it completely. There is nothing about the way that I was living my life up to THIS DAY that would place in motion the events that would lead me back to you with this "salvation" it seems I'm desparately searching for. But this day is different. This day I become a active participant in my life. I have had a dream of my proposal to you. We would be at dinner. The waiter would bring out dessert on one of those silver platters with a dome top on it. You would begin to get suspicious, but only becuase you hadn't ordered dessert and I had one of those cunning looks on my face. The waiter would remove the top to reveal the sweet... A ring pop. As you sit bewildered, I'd grab the ring pop and get down on one knee and inadvertantly slip the real ring in the same hand as the ring pop. I'd tell you how much you have always meant to my heart... even when I head was too stupid to realize. And then I'd slip both rings on your hand. You would be nervously laughing this entire time, not knowing if I were serious. In the back of your mind you are saying "if this is a joke I'm gonna fucking KILL HIM!". Then you would look at your hand and see the ring. Then your heart and stomach will drop. And you'll look at me tearfully.

And then you'll say...