I Took you for Granted

When my Grandmother died, I was 11. And I was distraught. I cried daily and displayed behavior that really concerned everyone in my life. I remember my mother trying every trick in the book. She gave me a candle to burn for her, discussed prayers and various ways of viewing death. I think a large contribution to her ineffectiveness was the fact that I never really discussed how I felt with anyone. And that included her. She was just grasping at straws. One day we got into a discussion and I told her the moments I kept playing back in my head: The moment when I came home to find that grandma wasn't there and mama told me she was dead, and the sight of grandma in that coffin. When she heard that she smiled.

"Oh... you keep replaying the end, baby. Stop thinking about the sad stuff. You knew grandma your entire life and all you can see is her leaving. Just think about a time she made you laugh. There were far more good times in your relationship with her than bad. Focus on the good."

After about a week of practicing this advice, I didn't feel so bad anymore. Its impossible to hold both a good and bad thought in your head at the same time.

I wish that for you. That you didn't continue to replay the bad times in our relationship continuously and upset yourself so. I feel as if we are in a place now where I can't win for losing. Everything I do will be held against me. And at this point you begin to make up things about me to justify why I would have hurt you so.

Let me stop psychoanalyzing you. The point of this post is to express how deeply sorry I am that I took your love for granted. Nowadays, I attempt to contact you with nothing but the greatest of intentions and you immediately respond with hostility. Its to the point that I am scared to death to reach out and contact you, not knowing what the result of my efforts will be. The truth is, I am really uncomfortable with the person you have become. And that is because I don't think you love me anymore. I've never met this India. And I'm scared to get to know her. I took for granted that our love was one that would endure... to be honest I still believe that. But I can't approach this India in the same fashion as the last one.

I took you for granted. A lesson that I will take to my grave. I'm sorry for that.